One of the biggest struggles parents deal with is their child lying to them, teachers, or other authority figures. They are completely flustered and have no idea why the child lies or how to stop it.
Lying is simply not telling the truth. So, the question is, why is the child not telling the truth? It’s actually a pretty simply explanation, they are afraid to. It’s not as simple as it sounds though. We, even adults, lie because we are not willing to admit to what we did because usually it means we let someone down. Why does a spouse tell a “little white lie”? Because admitting the truth means admitting they let their spouse down. If we say, “I forgot to do what you asked me to do” we are really saying “I let you down.” This then opens us up to being rejected by that person. We are so afraid of being rejected we deflect letting you down, so we make up an excuse why we forgot or didn’t do what you asked.
Every lie is told to cover a fear of being rejected. So, if your child believes, or fears they will be rejected by you they will be willing to lie. The thought process is, “I’m willing to risk lying and deal with those consequences instead of acknowledging I let you down because I am afraid you will then reject me, and I cannot tolerate that.”
It doesn’t matter if they’ve been taught not to lie. The fear of being rejected and “cast out” is so overwhelming it blocks out the “no lying” mantra. Our biggest fear in life is rejection and if we can do anything to prevent that we will. It’s simple human behavior. No scolding or punishments will alter that behavior.
So now it might seem there’s nothing we can do about this behavior. But that is the furthest thing from the truth. Our child is telling us what they are afraid of and what they need. By lying they are telling us they do not feel safe telling the truth. They are afraid they will be rejected in one way or another. That if they tell us they let us down we will withhold our love or attention for them. So, the solution is simple, we acknowledge the fear and show them through our behavior they are safe with us, and we will not reject them.
Let me be clear, it is on us the parents to provide a safe place for our children. It is our job to make sure they feel safe to tell us the truth. It is not their responsibility to create that atmosphere, it is ours! I tell parents, “They aren’t telling you the truth because they do not feel safe to do that. Why do you think they don’t feel safe with you?” Many times, I get the response, “I don’t know.” Which then begs the questions, “Why not? Why don’t you ask them if they feel safe with you?” Most parents are terrified of doing this. Because asking their child if they feel safe with them opens them up to being rejected by that child. So, they deflect and ignore it. If the parent is not willing to put themselves in a position where the child can reject them why would a child allow themselves to be put in the same exact position with their parent? They won’t. See what I did there?
The vast majority of children’s inappropriate behavior is them simply responding to stress the best way they can in the moment. If we help them deal with the stress, which in this moment is a fear of rejection, then the behavior goes away.
If your child isn’t afraid to tell you the truth, and momentarily let you down, they will be less likely to lie to you. And that’s the goal, right?
