When our children act out, they hurt us. They have disobeyed us, let us down, defied us, etc. We hurt and our natural inclination is to lash out and hurt them back. Human behavior teaches us we want others to feel our hurt and pain. That’s why we ground our kids for a month, make them put their noses on the wall for a ridiculous amount of time, wash their mouths out with soap, etc. “You hurt me, now I’m going to hurt you.” But is that effective parenting and do those behaviors help us with our end goals?
If the goal of parenting is to help our kids be kind, empathetic, and resist harmful urges then I’d argue punishment does not help us instill those qualities in our kids and I will explain why.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we hate letting our parents down. Even us adult parents still hate letting our own parents down. Inherently we understand how much our parents do for us, how much they sacrifice for us, and how much they believe in us. When we act against their wishes, we are in essence momentarily throwing all of that away and after we do that, we deeply regret it. Regret and guilt are good feelings though. These feelings tell us we know we did something wrong, and we want to find a way to redo it or make amends for it.
This is why we so often beg for our punishment because it lets the other person get “even”. We let mom down, so her punishing me lets mom “get even”. This getting even relieves us of our guilt and regret. The thought is, “Yeah, I let mom down, but she grounded me for the week. So, we’re even.” But is this what we want? Do we want our kids thinking parenting is about getting even or “exacting revenge”? If parenting is about teaching skills, kindness and empathy, then it’s absolutely not what we want. We want our kids to deal with the guilt of letting us down. Because only then will they have internal motivation to make amends for what happened and to learn from it. When our kids say anything resembling “What’s my punishment?” it’s a signal they can’t stand the guilt they are feeling and want you to take it from them in the form of “revenge” which is really what punishment is. Don’t do it!
Forcing them to sit in the guilt and knowledge they let us down can have an incredibly positive effect on them. Because when they are in this situation again, they will know mom won’t take that guilt away and this will give them more reason to obey you and not do what they really want to do.
Here’s a more effective way to deal with what happened. First, we disconnect what they did from who they are. We emphasize we love them and dislike what they did. They are not bad, what they did was bad. We then challenge them to understand why we are disappointed and why we did not want them doing what they did. We want them to understand our reasons for the limitations we put on their behaviors and actions. “You can’t do that” is a saying, not effective parenting. “That let me down” isn’t enough. We need to include why in ways they can understand if we really want this conversation to resonate with them.
Many times, parents will say there needs to be consequences for behaviors. And I agree. Natural consequences like failing a test they didn’t study for or not getting what you promised if they did a certain thing, are consequences. But sitting in the guilt of letting our parents down can many times be more than enough to deter future behavior and the impetus for a child to make amends for what they did. There’s a reason they are asking for punishment! Because they would rather be punished than sit in the guilt of letting you down. That is way more punishment then being grounded!
Use this to your advantage. Simply asking something like “Why are you so ready to be punished?” forces them to look inside themselves and begin to acknowledge they feel guilty.
