Most parents understand they want to help their kids deal with difficult experiences better, but they don’t know how to do it. It’s actually pretty simple. Parenting is a relationship between you and your child, that’s really all it is. And it’s like any other relationship you have, the same rules apply. How you want people to support you is how you need to support your kids. We need to stop over thinking it. Because when parents get into their own heads is when they freak out and that doesn’t help you or your child.
When you have a tough day you want someone to see that and “be in it” with you. You don’t want them telling you what you should have done differently or how you should handle things going forward. You want them saying “You had a hard day. I can see that.” If this is what we want from others when we are having a difficult time, why do we think our kids need something different? It’s not like at 18 a switch flips and our needs become grown up ones, they don’t. What we need now from others is what we pretty much needed when we were kids.
The analogy I use is helping your teenager drive. You are pretty useless on the sidewalk. You need to be in the car, in the experience, with them to help them. Only when they know you are with them will they listen to anything you say. And that is the most important part, your child needs to know you are in it with them. If they don’t emotionally feel you with them, then no matter what you are doing in the moment is pretty worthless because they have tuned you out. We need our kids to be receptive to our guidance. This means first and foremost being in the yuck and junk with them, acknowledging what they are going through. Then and only then, letting them know if they want help from us, we are there for them.
This is how we would want others to support us. So, when your child is upset, angry, sad, whatever, take a breath, emotionally regulate yourself, then ask yourself if you were feeling the way they are how would you want others to support you? Then do whatever that is with them.
