Parents are always worried about emotionally hurting their child, or “screwing up” or doing something “wrong”. Well guess what, it’s going to happen. You’re going to say something dumb or hurtful or make a mistake or embarrass them, maybe even on a daily basis, maybe even in the next hour or minute. But that’s ok. Because we all do it. Every single parent in the history of parenting has made a mistake and done something horribly wrong that really hurts their children. It’s going to happen! But don’t fear, take a breath. It doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent, or your kids will be damaged forever, or they will be horrible parents themselves. It means, are you ready? It means you are human, and you make mistakes!
One of the best lessons we can teach our children is we all make mistakes, but we can repair them, and not be defined by them. Teaching them perfection is not the goal, or that it could ever be attainable is a very important lesson. See, we are in a relationship with our kids and how we treat them, and this relationship is how we are teaching them to be in a relationship with others. If you are not willing to apologize to them when you mess up, you’d better not expect them to do it themselves! Why should they admit they were wrong when you won’t do it yourself?
Most fights are over differing views of “Right”. It’s a clash of viewpoints or perspectives. When we repair a relationship or say, “I’m sorry” what we in essence are doing is saying “You, and my relationship with you, are more important to me than being right.” That is an incredibly powerful statement. It creates a deep connection and a strong feeling of safety.
Of course, the opposite is true if we struggle to apologize. Think about what message we send to our children, and others, when we refuse to apologize when we hurt them. The message is, “Being right (or really, ‘thinking I am right’) is more important than your feelings or my relationship with you.” How close are you with people who refuse to apologize or admit they are wrong? Do you trust these people? Probably not.
Relationships are relationships, it doesn’t matter if they are parent-child, partner-partner, friend-friend. The concepts are all the same. If someone refuses to admit they are wrong, they hurt the other person, or they made a mistake, the relationship will be damaged and there will be a loss of trust. The parent-child relationship does not have special rules, parents do not get a free pass just because they are the parent. If anything, they need to adhere to this concept more then any other relationship because of how dependent the child is on the adult and how much the child needs to trust you. If a child learns they cannot trust their parent, who will they ever learn to trust and why would they try? They wont! And it will be completely understandable when they don’t.
Apologize to your children on a regular basis. Let them know you are not perfect and how important they are to you. It’s a great conversation starter. “Hey, I really messed up earlier when I yelled at you. I was stressed about something else and took it out on you. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” It repairs, deepens the relationship, and increases trust between you two and it increases the child’s self-esteem all at the same time.
