I know it seems like a crazy idea, but if we want to understand someone better, we kind of need to ask them if they can explain their beliefs, thoughts, and points of view with a genuine desire to understand them and what they have to say.
I have parents all the time say things like, “I don’t understand why he said that.” Or “I have no idea why she did this.” To which I respond, “I don’t know either. Why don’t you ask them?” Usually, I get stunned silence because they’ve never thought of that or that it could be that simple.
Here’s the thing, we all bring our own experiences and points of view to events, and we shape how we see things through our unique experiences. You will never completely understand anyone else, let alone someone 20-30 years younger than you, because we have one-and-only experiences we see our world through. So, let’s stop expecting ourselves to understand someone else. Let’s admit to them and ourselves we don’t. Only once we do that will we be open to wanting to understand them.
If you remember back to your childhood, you will clearly remember your parents not understanding you and seeming to not really want to. You probably felt frustration, resentment, and being alone. Not fun. That’s exactly how your kiddo feels when it’s clear to them you do not understand them. How about we get rid of those feelings in your kiddo?
But there’s a problem, and it’s a HUGE problem. Admitting to our child we do not understand them, and we really want to is terrifying. Most parents are already incredibly insecure about their parenting so allowing themselves to be completely rejected by their child (which is what you are doing) would validate these ideas so we will not do that. It’s ok to think we are terrible parents, but we won’t let our kids verify it. NOPE!
One of the things that holds parents back from being great parents are the ridiculous unwritten rules we have created in our heads such as this one, “Only terrible parents don’t understand their kids. Everyone else does. You’re the only one who doesn’t.” But this isn’t true. You want to know who the parents who do understand their kids are? They are the ones who admit they don’t, and ask their kids to explain their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. It’s a simple concept but it means being vulnerable with your kids. Which is scary.
But it’s admitting what they already know. They know you don’t understand them, and you really don’t want to, and it really, really frustrates them and makes them feel they are not worth understanding. Telling your kids this is like jumping into the deep end. It looks scary but you’ve only got to do it once, then once you’re in, it’s not as bad as you thought it would be.
But it’s not enough to admit you don’t understand them. What is most important is you express you really, really want to. You need to express that in a safe, inviting way. Because your child will only open up to you if they believe and trust you. Be authentic and vulnerable with your child and they will open up to you like they never have before.
