The vast majority of families come to play therapy because their child is acting out in one way or another and they do not know 1) what is causing it and 2) what to do about it. Whether it is aggressive behaviors, developmentally regressive behaviors, withdrawal behaviors or something else, they all have the same stimulus, stress. Your child is stressed out and is using these behaviors to try to cope. The behavior is the coping skill, not the problem.
If we can understand the child is stressed and doing their best to deal with it, we can work with them in a more empathic and understanding way. They do not want to act aggressively; they just do not have any other tools in their toolbox to deal with the stress they are under. Give them better tools and these inappropriate ones go away.
Sayings such as “You need to act better” or “Find another way” are pretty ineffective because the child does not know how to do it. If they did, they would. It really is as simple as that. If we want our children to express how they are feeling to us or use better ways to cope with difficult experiences or feelings, we have to model that behavior for them.
If a child never hears their parents say “I’m sad” or “I am really frustrated right now” we cannot realistically expect them to do it themselves. These are skills that have to be taught. Just as we learned 1+1=2 because we were shown it over and over again, we have to repeatedly be taught how to express ourselves in healthy ways. Coping tools are skills that need to be taught! Our kids are sponges who absorb every behavior we model. If we are not actively teaching them effective ways to deal with stress we are teaching them ineffective ways!
The key is better coping skills, not necessarily understanding why they are stressed. That’s because we get stressed every day on multiple occasions and most of the times, they are situations that cannot be “fixed” just dealt with as best as possible. Deadlines at work, traffic backups, stresses with our own parents and relatives, etc. These are all stresses we face day in and day out that we cope with for better or worse.
